JOURNAL 001

6.5 years, two miscarriages, and lots of tests later, here we are. Finally face to face with a complicated and very detailed diagnosis of infertility. This is such a strange moment. Sitting in the truth that our bodies are not functioning the way they were created to, and that we have a limited amount of time and chances to create our heart’s greatest desire - a life, a legacy, a healthy baby. 

We have officially started the road to infertility treatment, with the hope to become pregnant this year. We will be sharing this process through journal entries and home videos, with the desire to be transparent while bringing encouragement and education to those facing the same difficulties we have. 

You can follow along through this site, or follow us on social media. If you feel led, you can donate to the gofundme that was started by family on our behalf, or purchase a tshirt which proceeds go to helping us pay for medications, labs, procedures, surgeries, facility/doctor costs, travel, etc. Infertility treatment can be very complicated and expensive, so we are trusting God to continue to give us favor as we navigate that side of things. Your support and prayers mean more to us than words can adequately express. This has been a long road, and we are honored to have you walk with us.

Christian and I waiver between feeling like we are in a nightmare and a dream. There are many aspects of this moment that feel nightmarish. The unknown of a daunting process that is not even guaranteed to grant us this deep desire. The possibility of our bodies still not functioning properly even with the help of medications, doctors, procedures, and monitoring. The panic of facing the overwhelming grief of loss again. 

But even more so, a great big inhale of hope. Starting the process that gets us closer to the promise that we have waited so long for. The chance for our bodies to line up with the help of medications, doctors, procedures, and monitoring. The great expectation of the joy that will come with new life.

This is not my first dance with fear and hope, and likely won’t be my last. Every hard moment in life is this way - big or small. We have a choice to make. Which path will we take? Will we sit in the nightmare or walk into the dream? Will we allow our emotions to overtake us or will we process and release them? Will we surrender to the lies in our mind or will we dare to believe in the chance of goodness? 

I won’t choose the higher road every time. Some days, I will be sad and scared, and there is space for that. Even Jesus wept to The Father in the face of His greatest assignment. Immanuel, God with us. Not far away, withdrawn or too busy for my anxieties. Close, leaned in, and constantly interceding on my behalf. 

It is this reality, this truth that pulls me closer to the light. It is the visions and dreams of my pregnant belly, feeling babies kicking inside of me that give me faith. It is the prayers prayed, the prophesied promise that I will hold tightly to.

What difficult truth are you facing? What promise feels overwhelming and impossible today?

Let’s raise that hope, and dare to believe that God is who He says He is. Let’s fix our eyes on Heaven as we climb this mountain. The air is thin, but our lungs continue to inflate. We are closer than ever, friend. Don’t stop now. Hold on a little longer. Goodness and glory are coming.