JOURNAL 002

Until you experience the bitter cold of below zero temperatures, it is hard to truly identify with the way the winter air steals the breath from your lungs and leaves behind a stinging that feels as though it will never end. 

It is that way with grief. The stinging. 

Will it ever end?

This week I found myself overly emotional.

Winded by normal tasks, feeling defeated, and crying over what felt like everything. 

I took a bath the other day, hoping to wash it all away, and come out refreshed, cleansed of the weight. Instead, I started crying mid-bath with no prompting or recognizable trigger. 

Then a question from Christian unveiled what had been happening. 

“Aren’t we close to the anniversary of our last miscarriage?”

Empty lungs.

More tears. 

The stinging. 

There it was, the silent culprit of my heavy week - grief.

February 5th, 2019. 

Baby number 2.

Empty womb.

The stinging. 

“Will it be like this forever?” I asked. 

“No baby, it won’t be like this forever” He responded back to me. 

So I lean into the grief, feel it, own it, call it what it is. 

Then I lean into the Truth.

I am seen, I am loved, I am held. 

I will see my babies again.

There is space for the pain to be processed,

and there is comfort available to me.

I remind my heart, and my mind, and I wait,

looking to the Light. 

I am reminded that winter eventually comes to an end. 

The snow melts, the temperatures rise, colors return, and new life emerges. 

So I cling to that promise, the end of winter and the return of spring.

I cling to the hope of the Sun, beaming down on my face.

I cling to the hope of fresh, warm air filling my lungs and restoring my breath again.

There are so many questions I don’t have the answers to, equations that I don’t have formulas to solve, but I put on this Peace that makes no sense. Protecting it at all costs.

All of Heaven is cheering me on, and you too, friend.

The Creator of the Universe is holding us so close, 

whispering His promise for our future.

Goodness and Glory.

Triumph and Liberty. 

My heart beats faster, swelling with expectation of the Promises to come. 

“Just wait, there’s more…”